I hate you [Dag 287]

Today I heard this song again and a voice reminded me of this being my life's anthem.

There are much bitter emotions in this song, desperation, loneliness, worthlessness, dissatisfaction, self-blame, self-victimization, regret, doubt, losing, sadness. Yet on the other hand there are those balancing positive feelings that goes with it: hope, humbleness, love, melancholy, joy, not giving up.

I don't know when it was the first time I heard this song, but there was a period in my life where I understood love didn't conquer all, love didn't save all - as I felt nearly destroyed me. It was at the time I saw that when love was unrequited, strong emotions of hate seemed to be all that was left.

It stirred my creative juices to make in search for an outlet valve, writing poetry or songs to express those emotions and experiences I couldn't express in mere words. I created my song: "I hate you" with no instrumental or anything. It was just for the reader to give a sense of my experience.

I hate you - For making me loving you
Am I supposed to carry on without youTo have strength to proceed the day ?
When waking with you on my mindEach passing and up-coming daysNew days don’t feel new to meWith all those same  questionsIs this what’s love supposed to beOr just another of god’s hard lessons?
(Chorus) Why did you act like you cared (..For me)That you would’ve been there and fought (.. For me)Why’d you made me believe that this time was true..I hate you, for making me love you Tell me why I still need to careWhen all you do is care about yourselfI wished u had walked away..Left with just nothing more to say…But I kept my hopes upInstead of realizing things get fucked upRather had you in the beginning acting so harsh and cruel..Then I could only blame myself for loving you..
(Bridge) See what loving you has done to meRomancing the time we spent togetherAnd what we had could’ve been..It felt so right, but then you put me aside…

And with exposing myself like this I remember a sentence of my favorite singer Micheal Jackson with the song: "Love is  here"

And till this day I did not see what was keeping this unsatisfying experience nourished and alive. Because now; look at the lyrics of  "Too much love will kill you", "I hate you - for making me loving you" and "Love is here" what does it really have in common besides it being about love?

Blame... A lot of blame... Blame towards another... or Blame against yourself.

It's a funny and insightful evaluation, because as much as I love these songs, they speak true to my most inner secretive kept world. And as these songs are  my 'portals' to distant places in my existence or which have been hidden strongly they lay out a blueprint for myself for more inner investigation and ultimately giving me the 'words' to reflect upon what is keeping me as is.

As I stated earlier, "We long for change, not ever changing ourselves. But isn't change here, if we would do so?"

So for now this is just a scribble of a blog and get it out there. It's a point I must direct as this has always been here.
I hate you [Dag 287] I hate you [Dag 287] Reviewed by Reginald Diepenhorst on 8/11/2016 Rating: 5